“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.”

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.”

“My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”